What I Wish I Had Done Sooner: A Survivor’s Journey to Healing
As a survivor of teen assault, there are three key things I wish I had done sooner in my healing journey. First, I wish I had found a skilled therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist to help me process the trauma, and guide me through the emotional aftermath. Second, I wish I had sought out a support group where I could connect with others who understood my experience and could offer a sense of community. Lastly, I wish I had discovered an organization that could provide access to additional resources to support my recovery and overall well-being.
Over the past 31 years, I’ve learned that any one of these steps could have significantly expedited my healing process. When I connected with Center for Community Solutions (CCS) in 2009, I realized that finding the right support system is one of the most critical factors in fully healing. The right resources, connections, and community can make all the difference on the journey to recovery.
Even though I had the support of family and friends back then, my mental health continued to suffer. I lost my creativity and withdrew, spending much of my time in my room reading but not engaging in anything that truly supported my healing from the trauma. I didn’t have the tools or resources needed to address the deeper emotional scars.
I’ve always shied away from therapy and never put much effort into it. I didn’t find it helpful when it felt like my emotions were just being validated without addressing the root of the problem. But now, I feel like I’ve finally found the right support. I’m no longer ashamed to speak about how important it is to have good mental health providers.
At 14, if I had found a support group where I could talk with other teen survivors, it would have made a huge impact in helping me process my emotions. Instead, I felt the need to isolate and keep my story hidden out of fear that I wouldn’t be understood, or that my story would scare people away, or worse, that no one would believe me because of everything that happened during the time I was missing. Being believed is a vital first step for any survivor, and the fear of not being believed can cause you to shut down completely. Holding onto something so heavy can do a lot of harm, which is why I’m grateful that I’m able to speak about my experience freely today. I know now that I am not alone, and that there are others out there like me.
Finding a supportive organization was a true game-changer. Initially, I only wanted to volunteer for CCS as a member of the Sexual Assault Response Team (SART) because of the impact my victim advocate, Ruby Marsden, had on me after my kidnapping. Ruby was so helpful and nurturing, and I always dreamed of being that person for someone else one day. It took a long time for me to get there, but in 2022, I finally achieved that goal. This year, I’ve had the opportunity to volunteer for SART, and it was a challenging but rewarding experience.
CCS has also given me a platform to speak freely about my survivor story during crisis intervention trainings. Since then, I’ve been able to share my experience at various locations around San Diego, and it has been one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done.
Looking back, I wish my mother and I had explored other organizations, such as the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC). I know they have more resources now than they did back then, but healing from sexual trauma is different from healing from abduction. There are two parts to my story, and I’m still addressing both. Having my life threatened and being taken from my home and loved ones, and facing the constant uncertainty of whether or not I would survive from one moment to the next, was terrifying. I believe that if my mother and I had connected with an organization that specifically supported missing children and their families, it would have helped in ways we weren’t able to address at the time.
The feelings I struggled to deal with after the abduction included the shock of being caught off guard, not expecting someone to react violently. The transition from feeling safe and unaware to suddenly facing the possibility of dying has haunted me for years. I often grappled with the belief that I had disobeyed and somehow deserved what happened because I didn’t listen. No one made me feel that way, yet that thought constantly lingered in my mind: If I had just listened to my mom and not opened the door, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
Being away from home and my loved ones filled me with uncertainty. Bystanders were watching from the sidelines, doing nothing to help—no one called the police or tried to bring me back to safety. I constantly questioned my survival: What if I fall? What if he catches me? What if? The urge to escape was strong, yet fear held me back. I wondered what would happen if my attempt to flee failed. When was it safe to escape? Should I comply and hope for the best? These questions haunted me, leaving me in a constant state of anxiety and second-guessing myself.
At the time, I didn’t know much about sex trafficking, but my kidnapper had threatened to take me to St. Louis, Missouri, and sell me to men. There were many horrifying things I was told that I’m grateful never happened. I’m incredibly thankful to still be alive after such an experience. My hope is that by sharing my story and journey, I can help others turn their pain into purpose. I’ve been given a second chance, and I’m determined to make the most of it. This part of my journey is about peeling back the layers and getting to the root of my healing. I pray that once I do, I will be able to flourish and continue to thrive in this space. By addressing the deeper wounds, I believe I’ll be able to grow even stronger and make a greater impact.
In 2018, a police cadet that I met while presenting at the San Diego Regional Police Academy gifted me with a painting that said, Fight the Fear. Ever since then, I have remembered that and I often reflect on that painting. Everything that I'm doing now is an attempt to fight the fear. The fear of not being worthy, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of having a story that's not good enough to be told or shared with the world, the feeling that nobody cares and so why even try? What I’ve learned, is that people do care about what I have to say and are willing to listen.
Launching LaDonna Renee VST Foundation, Inc., as well as the scholarship program, is helping me heal my inner child. Although it’s many years later, I am healing my 14-year-old self by becoming the person I wish I had back then. Today, I not only have access to the resources I needed, but I still have the unwavering love and support of my family and friends—perhaps even more so than before. Along this journey, I’ve met so many wonderful people who have become part of my support system. Now, I’m able to give back and share what I’ve learned, in the hope that it will help others. My goal is to be the person I needed for someone else.
2024 has brought a lot of change, and while it’s been a tough year, I’ve reconnected with a great psychologist whom I trust. I’m also working with a psychiatrist who has helped me manage my medication, and together, they make a strong team. Eventually, I want to see a trauma specialist to dig deeper into healing my inner child, as I believe it’s important to start at the root. This will be an essential part of my journey moving forward.
With LaDonna Renee VST Foundation, Inc., I have created and will continue to build a circle of supportive individuals, fostering an environment where we can not only support one another but also help other survivors in need of connection. Connection has been a critical part of my healing journey. Connecting with like-minded people who truly understand what I’ve been through and who have had similar experiences has helped me realize that I am not alone.
I am incredibly grateful to the CCS for providing me with the platform and space to share my story, which has opened many doors for me. I will always appreciate them as a supportive resource and network, as it has truly been life-changing. My hope for all my readers is that you, too, will feel inspired and encouraged to share your stories when you are ready. Gaining the confidence and courage to do so can take years, but whenever that moment comes, know that there are people who are willing to listen, support you, and help you thrive.
